It’s been so long since I’ve been inspired to write anything that sounds inspiring, that I’ve been wondering if there’s any inspiration left within me.

I’d love to write and provide the world with something meaty and substantial which folk can use in whatever way they like, but it’s just not there.

All I seem to be creating these days is more death.  My inability to do yoga has left me feeling constantly foggy-headed, dizzy, unable to concentrate for any length fo time, alone and even morbid at times.  Having to deal with thoughts of death is a new thing for me.  Being a fairly youthful guy up until this point, I guess I thought life could last forever and that getting old wasn’t something I’d ever have to worry about, but it seems that bubble of illusion has been popped.  I now know what it feels like to be old.

When I say “death”, I just mean death in the archetypal sense.  I just don’t feel as alive as I used to and that raises questions of how useful am I to other people and being around people who just think they’re better than me and I’m somehow less than they are has a huge impact aswell.  I’ve said before it’s sad to know that if I need help with anything, then I’m just not going to get it from them.  I can literally be at the brink of tears and they’ll do nothing.  I can be limping around in pain and they’ll do nothing.  I can be under stress and my coworkers will deliberately and knowingly do  absolutely nothing to help me.  It’s a sad thing to know that those closest to me physically will never help me on any occasion because they just see me as unworthy.

I thought for a while that maybe this is a good thing in a way because it teaches me to become self-reliant and independant and strong as an individual.  But that’s the last thing I need!  I’m one of the most individual folks anyone’s ever likely to meet. The last thing i need is to learn how to be independant.  If anything, I need to learn how to trust others.  But I can’t do that when I spend all my time around those kind of people.  No wonder I’ve been feeling homesick recently.  Going back to my hometown could actually be a rejuvenating experience.  But things are different there now and I’d have to go back in time aswell for it to feel the way I’d like it to feel.  I still think I’ll retire there though, when I’m 60-odd.  And I’ll grow potatoes and tomatoes and give them away to neighbours.

If anything, I have been inspired by the teachings of Stuart Wilde recently and the one thing which struck me was what he’s been saying about people feelings of disdain for other human beings.

Being on the receiving end of a lot of disdain, I know what it’s like and why it’s something people should focus on more so that it can be eradicated.  Because if a person believes that their way of being is just better than everyone else or they believe that there’s no-one as good as they are or they just hate humanity and lock themselves up in their ivory towers, how can you possibly convince them that there’s another way of being which not only will benefit them but also everyone else?

The answer is you can’t.  It’s not the nature of the ego to want to destroy itself.  They have to start feeling lonely and vulnerable and then they might think about all that kind of stuff.

Anyway, it’s no way to treat other people and it’s completely unsustainable.

Another thing I’d say about death is I guess I’m just not afraid of it anymore.  I feel like I’ve accepted my dark side a bit more and have even let it have a bit more of a free reign over the past year or so.  And it’s true what they say – you definately reap what you sow.  I haven’t created the most harmonious experiences for myself over the past while, so the same rules of quantum physics still apply whether you acknowledge or deny your dark side.  I think it’s healthier to acknowledge it though.

Because there is a sense of relief that comes from just relaxing and allowing it.  I’d even say it can make you more magnetic and attractive.  If you know where your darkness is, then you know what there is to work on.  But love is always the goal, that’s for sure.  It does piss me off that people pretend they’re perfect or are in denial about so much stuff.  But I probably feel even more beautiful when i feel a bit nervous about things.

Like if I’m talking to a girl I like and she’s reflecting back at me and I flirt with her; to me it feels more natural and authentic to feel just a wee bit coy about it.  There’s some real beauty in that feeling that seems to be lost on huge swathes of people accross the world, or just in Glasgow where I live, at least.

I dunno what the fuck I’m going to do with my life.  I don’t think I can sustainably be an engineer and live on my own.  At some point, something will happen which will mean that I’ll have to move on and do something else.  If I don’t move first, that is.  But I would rather be more in command of my life and be able to have some say in where it’s heading.

I’m beginning to think Ayahuasca is key in that.  A couple of things I saw in this video -

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3952939554477513942&ei=2cgZSpuLG5zq-Qbzhb3kCg&q=stuart+wilde

inspired me.  Can’t remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of, “if you don’t know what to do with your life, clear out all the crap until you have a clean slate to work from.”  I guess that made me realise that my slate is never clean cos it’s covered in all the dirty thoughtforms I inherit from my workplace and the fact that it’s such a thankless job.

I guess drinking ayahuasca on a reasonably regular basis would help me to stay mentally clean.  But realistically, it would serve to push me out of that workplace more quickly, one way or another.  Whether I made the choice to leave or whether that choice was made for me.  Once the saga of my dodgy joints are more or less sorted out (and I don’t believe they will ever be ’sorted out’ as such because they’re definately damaged now as an MRI has proved,  so I will just have to put up with some level or nuisance) I can see myself back in Brazil drinking that plant once again.

There’s a feeling the world has towards this kind of stuff – that it’s like getting involved in some kind of wierd cult or something – that it’s a way of allowing other people to take advantage of you.  And I know people feel this way because that was one particular belief which was purged from me on my first ayahuasc session.

I had visions of people the world over getting involved in wierd substances no-one knows about and basically the whole world being a massive home for druggies.  These were fears that were instilled into me from an early age and I didn’t create them – they came from elsewhere.  But what I learned was that ayahuasca is completely benign and there’s nothing to worry about when you’re having a journey.  There’s nothing cultish about it and it won’t leave you vulnerable to being manipulated by other people.  That’s a belief which only comes from a place of fear.  But you definately do latch onto a common way of being – consciousness!

And there are still masses of people who are afraid of people who are really conscious.  The energy of conscious people is exstremely powerful, but only because that’s the way the universe is and they’re in line with it – which is why it seems like people who are conscious are into some kind of wierd cult.  That’s the reason for it.  But there’s no other way, really, it’s like what’s said in the bible about the devil wanting to seperate from God and do his own thing and the only true way benig through God – this is basically the same thing.  But if the idea of God disturbs you, then just be conscious.  Just love.  God couldn’t give a toss either way anyway!  He’d still love you.

Anyway I think that’s enough for one night.

I hope if you’ve read this far, you become more in line with your true nature, learn to accept all sides of yourself and continue to radiate more and more love into the world.

Love,

Sirius.