A good friend of mine asked me a while back what to do about his depressed girlfriend.  I gave him the best answer I could at the time but I don’t think it quite hit the spot.  Something tells me I’m qualified to make this answer now though, and here’s my advice for anyone who’s interested.

• First of all – don’t feel as though you have to take responsibility for them.  It’s true that people who get depressed get into that state because they’ve stopped putting any awareness into a big chunk of their lives and that chunk is now growing and growing in order to be noticed by them, so people who are depressed can find it hard to handle themselves.  But even though this is the case, it is still their responsibility to look after their emotional welfare and you can actually do more harm than good by making decisions for them or judging whatever decisions they’ve made in any way.  So give them the opportunity to build the strength they need by themselves.

• But this does not mean to say that you have to abandon them!  Quite the opposite!  Most folk forget this and get the balance wrong.  The vast majority of folk don’t know how to deal with a depressed person and end up disconnecting from them.  Which will make things worse for the depressed person.  By just being around a depressed person and being aware of their pain without even bringing the subject up, you’re actually doing them a world of good.  Because it’s their lack of awareness of their issues (whether it’s their fault or not – these things arise out of an infinite variety of events) which gave rise to their feelings of depression in the first place.  So when you introduce them with some of your own awareness, it’s like a breath of fresh air.  Be warned though, that this may produce an upsurge of emotions within the person and how they react to that could be another kettle of fish altogether – perhaps they don’t like crying in public?  That’s for you to be aware of at the time.

• As for communicating with the person – you don’t actually have to bring up the subject of them being depressed and it probably wouldn’t do anyone any good anyway.  But when you’re communicating with the person, you’re still communicating with a person – a human being.  Someone who exists and has feelings.  Just treat them as such.  But the main thing is to be aware of their feelings and be sensitive and react accordingly.  As long as you’re sensitive to the way they feel, you can’t go far wrong and they will be grateful for it.

So you’re not responsible for them – you’re responsible to them.  Ie, their emotional welfare is not your responsibility however, the way you react to them and deal with them is your responsibility.  Which should feel like a weight off the shoulders of anyone who’s friends are depressed.

But yes, like everything else, this is a skill and it can be practiced and honed and you probably won’t get it right the first time.  Which is ok.  Just come back to the things I said before and you’ll be fine.

And remember – don’t abandon them.

Night,

Sirius.