I’ve a pretty strong feeling that going through this injury is going to change me pretty fundamentally.

I’ve been looking for years of ways to get over myself and just live life and have never quite managed to properly do it, for whatever reason.  Tai Chi and Yoga felt like the way to do it so I pursued them both with a blistering, firey passion and subsequently manifested even less options than I had previously which makes me worried at the level of power I actually have in reality.  Not only can I realise enormous amounts of freedom, I could also choose to manifest a pretty severe curtailing in the number of choices I have, as I have clearly done.

It’s not nice to know that you don’t have any control over the situation you’re in, although it makes complete sense that I of all people would be in this situation.  If having so many choices of what to do with my life was causing me pain, then why not do myself a favour and reduce the number of choices I have by limiting my physical movement, therby making things much easier on myself?

I guess I have manifested this in a way.  But the question I have now is, “Will I ever get a second chance?”  It’s not “What do I actually want to do with myself” because I can’t answer that question right now.  If you don’t know whether you’ll be able to walk anymore than a mile without being in pain in a year’s time, then what’s the point in making big plans you’re only going to get disappointed in the near future?  I need to know exactly what it is I’m able and not able to do, so that I can plan accordingly.

And I’m hell-bent on answering that question right now.

I’m going to have to head down to London to see if I can get a Visa for medical treatment from Dr Hauser in the US.  There’s energy flowing alright, but not in the realms I expected…

But as I say, I guess this is my Dharma.  Having too many choices does tend to leave me feeling like a rabbit stuck in the headlights of an oncoming car.  I just freeze with the inability to choose anything.  My ability to sit on the fence is legendary.  Seriously.

No wonder the idea of living a simple life has felt alluring recently.  I’m kinda looking forward to the day when I can be old and just tend to my garden and trade home-grown fruit and veg with my neighbours and get the grandchildren round so I can sit there and be a wise old man.

Anyway.  Right now, I’m getting everything in place for going to Chicago.  You wouldn’t believe the number of hoops you have to jump through in order to get a Visa to go to the US from the UK.  If you’ve got a biometric passport and are just going there on holiday then you’re alright and you can go under the Visa Waiver Program and can just go straight there.  But if you’re like me and you’re going there for medical treatment, you’ll need :

• A biometric passport
• A diagnosis from a doc in the UK and also an explanation of why you have to go to the US in order to get medical treatment
• Evidence of funding to prove that you can pay for it
• Evidence of “compelling social ties” to people in the US
• A letter from the hospital/doctor in the US saying that they’re willing to treat you
• Details of how much it’ll cost
• A copy of your CV if you work in the science or technology profession (which probably does include me)
• $131 to cover the visa fee
• To go to London to get interviewed at the US consulate in Grosvenor Square
• A completed DS-157 form with your photo stapled/glued to it (which is basically the Visa application form)
• And the confirmation letter of your interview and receipt of payment which both get emailed to you.

I still don’t know if I’ll even get the Visa or not or if the evidence I get will be good enough and would avoid hazarding a guess at all costs (given my current manifesting abilities…) so will happily play the game and wait and see how it all pans out.

And the big question still sits in my head…

Just what the hell am I going to do with my life?  If I did get the prolotherapy from Dr Hauser and it did work, what would I actually do then?

I still don’t know. I guess the question of whether or not it’ll work is still in God’s hands, but I know I’m going to be putting all my energy into becoming as productive as a human being as I possibly can be and trying to get this treatment.  And once I reach that point of knowing one way or the other which way it’s going to go – whether I’ll get better or not, then I’ll start thinking about what I’m going to do with myself seriously.

No half measures here – I’m not taking my focus off this for one minute.  I’ve never been so hellbent on anything in my life.  I’m getting healed dammit.  Even if I have to travel thousands of miles to do it.

Namaste!

Ryan.