OK.  Here’s a thing I’ve never really talked about (not sure why but this entry may unravel the reason) but feel the need to talk about right now.  Because it’s keeping me awake.

I was over at my parent’s house today.  I thought since it was Easter and it’s been a while since I was over, I’d make the effort and reconnect.  It was good actually – my mum said she’d make a curry, but it was really me who ended up making it!  We were both ok with that and I ended up creating a totally improvised, fantastic curry which I’m well proud of.  Each plate was totally cleaned off.

But to the point.  My mum asked me when I was over whether my Dad had spoke to me or not.  I was kinda surprised she’d asked the question – usually if she’s angry or concerned about something, I’ll know about it one way or the other (I’ll basically sniff it out of the air – I guess this explains why I’m so psychically tuned in) but on this occasion, she brought the subject up totally out of the blue.

“Well, he did speak to me a wee bit earlier..,” I said.  My mum then explained how when my bro and sister in law were over there recently, my Dad had deliberately made sure he wasn’t in the house, even though he knew they were coming over.

This is difficult to talk about.  Problem is it’s just weird spending a vast amount of your life around a person who doesn’t say a word to you and it certainly explains my own predicament very clearly.

So my mum asked me if he talked to me, I said yes – just a little and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.  I kinda felt the need to continue it further but had no idea where to go from there so ended up leaving it at that.  I never realised how angry I felt, but I do now.

The fact is, my Dad does make a little effort to talk to me – but only to assuage his own inner sense of guilt for not connecting with me in the past – when I was a young impressionable lad who really needed a father.  And now he feels guilty about it, all he can do is say one or two sentences to me to convince himself that he’s righting the situation when in actual fact, all he’s trying to repair is his own inner turmoil.

It makes me fucking angry.  It does!  Really, I think I need to talk to my mum about this.  And my bro actually.  This feels like the reason me and him aren’t as close as you’d imagine.  It’s funny because I do feel the need to speak to him too…  I haven’t felt the need up until today, really.

Problem is anytime I bring this stuff up, it adds to my reputation for wanting to open up cans of worms… I’ve done that kind of thing a lot in the past.  I guess that’s my role – to keep everyone open and conscious and awake and my mum is certainly much more so than she used to be.  My Dad and my bro however are continuing to bury their heads in the sand…

There’s spiritual work to do there, that’s for sure.  There is.  It feels difficult to move on until I come to some kind of conclusion about how to deal with that particular situation.

Realistically though.  I live alone in Glasgow, 30 odd miles away from all 3 of them, so I don’t see them often and when we do see each other, it’s because we’ve made the effort to do so.  So in the meantime, I just have to cram it all into an etherical cardboard box and shove it to the back of my mind.

Talking to my mum about it more would be healthy though.  It does make her angry but I guess it’s my task to let her see it from a higher perspective and work on that.  But I’m not letting my Dad off the hook.  We both may be adults and we both may be involved in this situation (and we both may be responsible for the situation in some way) but that doesn’t negate the fact that the problem originated from my Dad to begin with – NOT me.  As I’ve said, when I was a young lad in need of fatherly direction, my Dad should’ve grabbed the opportunity with both hands and went for it.  I’m angry and deeply disappointed in him that he still chose not to do this and actually chose to be selfish and completely avoid the situation.  His own personal problems which led to him feeling this way are NOT my responsibility and I’ll certainly NOT take responsibility for them.  Yes, I’ll be cordial and open to him when we’re around each other, yes I’ll be polite and I might even be so polite as to not open any particular cans of worms just for my own spiritual entertainment, but I’ll certainly not do HIS job for him, which is to look after his own emotional welfare and HIS relationship with one of his sons.

Strange though.  My Dad’s Dad (who is now in the spiritual plane, doing his thing) seems(ed) to have the same affliction.  I remember distinctly one day I saw him walking along the road as I was coming home from school to have lunch.  He gave me a slightly scared, suspicious look, and carried on.

This same energy exists within me.  The last thing I can afford to allow to happen is for my dad to just somehow make out that it’s actually my fault and that I’m the awkward one and I’m the shy one or whatever…  It ends right here, in my mind – on my yoga mat.  Funny also how my Grandad’s supposedly a “spiritual giant” up there (as described by a psychic I went to see about a year ago) yet also acts like that… anyway, the mechanics of relationships on the spiritual realm isn’t my strong point and in case of confusing myself, I won’t ponder any further. 

Yes there is work to be done.  I do feel as though I’m past the point of just being plain angry about it.  I am.  You learn to deal with certain things and after a while you feel more in control and more centered about everything.  I kinda feel that way about my Dad.  The Lord knows I was angry as hell at him in the past, but once that was off my chest, I just started to deal with it.  If my Dad didn’t want to know me, it wasn’t my problem – I can gain wordly insight from elsewhere, as I have done.

Is it any wonder though, that I look for Gurus everywhere?  People that can show me the way?  The Doc for instacnce?  (www.barefootdoctorglobal.com)  It’s bloody hard work doing all that on your own – cutting your way through life, trying to find your way without anyone to help you out.  Not that I grudge it, as I say I have accepted my situation, but it does anger me when my dad continues to show signs that he still wants to avoid me physically as well as mentally.  Is it any wonder I had dreams of abandonment when I was younger?

Is it any wonder my task in life seems to be to help people and become like a father to other people?  To provide people with a sense of wisdom and clarity on their lives and to help them see why things are the way they are?

I can’t be any other way, really.  Most guys my age are into getting pissed and all the usual, but I really can’t be anyone other than who I am!  I’m a wise dude with plenty of help and advice to offer – it’s my reason for being.  To become who my Dad should’ve been.  So no wonder it derails me whenever he pretends to care or says things to me or does things just to make him feel better.  If I buy into that, then I’ll believe that he’s being a proper Dad and I’ll suddenly have nothing to aim for!

OK, that’s plenty I think for tonight.  The slight excess of energy heading up towards my head is a sign that I’ve analysed and took apart the situation enough and built it in a way that I find much more suitable.  I needed this post.

Thanks for reading,

Love,

Ryan.