At the winter solstice, recently, I got an email from a guy called James Ray.  There was some advice in it on how to generate ideas to improve your general life situation.  He suggested to come up with 20 ideas a day for the next 3 days (up until the solstice)  to grow your income, create new results and improve your life.   I managed 51 altogether which I thought was fairly good.  But what an effect they had on me… 

I’ve put a fair few of the ideas into action and to be honest have became kinda obsessed with money since then.  I’ve learned a lot though and have never felt so in control of my finances as I do now, so I consider it a good thing.  I knew I was overdoing it though and booked myself onto the sweat lodge to readjust myself and change my priorities.

The time before the sweatlodge was uneventful (from my experience anyway) although we did various things – practicing our singing, having meals together, getting acquainted.  It was the sweatlodge which performed the initial shift I needed.  More on the actual shift shortly…

The sweatlodge itself was as mentally tough as I thought it’d be.  Although I actually thought it’d be hotter, the heat wasn’t that much of an issue.  What the heat does is loosen you up and feel what’s really going on within you.  It connects you to the elements in a really direct way and helps to soften your energy.   Somehow though, in hindsight, after the lodge took place and we all counted our blessings, gave prayers for other people in our lives and asked for what we wanted for ourselves, I still felt like I had something missing.

And this was confirmed later on.  I was in bed trying to get to sleep and got some really clear visions.  It was like the visions were making the effort to come to me – as opposed to the other way round.  I saw an image of a cabin on top of a hill (not unlike the cabins we were staying in) with a wooden platform of sorts to stand on and some really dark looking, ominous black clouds in the distance.  I had no idea what it meant but it just felt ominous, really.

I dreamt that night that I had gone home (back to my hometown) and was sitting in the house doing nothing productive.  I felt very very disappointed in myself in this dream.  I mentally noted the dream when I awoke but had no idea what it meant at this time.  We were told the day before that we’d do a shorter lodge on the day after and I was still unsure about whether I wanted to do it or not.  But my feelings became crystalised later. 

I took part in the ceremony to light the fire and prayed to the directions.  When the singing started, it completely turned me off.  I just felt like, “Come on folks, give it a rest…”  We were told we’d have 45 minuted to decide for sure whether we wanted to do it or not, so I went back to my little room in the cabin and thought about it.  Definately no.

There was an important thing going on here though.  It wasn’t just a simple choice.  It felt like a lot more than that.  When you do a sweatlodge, you have to do it wholeheartedly.  Because it’d basically an intense prayer ceremony.  Prayer is at the heart of it.  So it was important for me to make the right decision.  Myself and another participant had decided against it.

Later we both were sitting in the pavillion doing nothing and it all came into place.  I had a brief conversation with her about why she didn’t want to do it, etc and everything made sense.  I’d already made my prayers and had the experience I wanted to have.  I went to the sweatlodge specifically to have that experience; I had it, and it was over for me at that point.  But the crux was to follow my own instinct.

The dream I had was telling me to stop running away from how I really feel.  I felt disappointment because I was still holding onto all the armoury around my heart at the time and indeed felt like there was a wall around it during the lodge, but it didn’t feel right to let it budge.  I see the lodge as an intense microcosm of the life experience and since I already felt strong enough to dismantle my heart armoury myself – why bother getting all deliberately vulnerable and acting as though I was broken somehow?  I’ve became a hell of a mentally strong guy and somehow acting as though I still had stuff to let go of didn’t really wash.  Because I don’t.  My heart will open when i learn the skills to connect with more people and love more.  I didn’t have anything to let go of, but did have to learn some new skills.

Anyhoow.  Once I realised that, everything came into place.  Sitting in that pavillion was exquisitely serene.  Just silence.  And real solitude.  Comfortable solitude.

I still feel as though things are tough though – it’s like I’m chasing after something which is very sacred in a completely non-sacred world.  At the lodge, I re-realised what’s important to me and it’s love.  However, I haven’t been able to find it in the week off work I’ve just had.  I know it’ll take a certain amount of time, but it still haunts my dreams and dulls my spirit when the love just isn’t there.

Moving on for me is the only thing I can do yet it also feels like the greatest leap of faith I’ve ever taken.  Imagine being on the edge of a cliff where on the cliff-top there’s nothing but a barren wasteland and the only way to go is accross a dangerous drawbridge to another cliff with abundance everywhere.  That’s where I am.

The only way out is through though and I’ll just have to continue plugging away and re-learn all the stuff that came naturally to me as a child.  How to love.

Namaste,

Sirius.