“You have simplified your life to a large degree, removed yourself from lower and denser energies, and you feel that there is nowhere left to go.”
Aye, that’s me bang on. I got this quote from a downloadable e-book which you can freely donate towards/download for free from the following site – http://www.emergingearthangels.com/heavensgate.html and have been reading through it.  Lots of it explains a lot of stuff I’ve been experiencing, but also a lot of it explains nothing!

There’s a strong theme in it of there now being no need for intentional spirituality involving prayers and visualising and affirming, etc which I’ve been able to relate to for quite a while.  Somehow it always felt a bit like a substitute for the real thing which was just getting on with it and doing it.  Just not necessary.

There’s also a lot about how major world events are interpreted – George Bush is a NWO reptilian for example – or in this case his purpose was to get enough people feeling the need for  change and Barack Obama’s purpose is to hold everything together while we go through this massive transition.  Seems like the most pure and honest answer to me.  I’ve never thought fiscal stimulus was a cure-all but Barack Obama likes it and it certainly does the job.  The only thing that’ll take us through this process is allowing the markets to correct themselves – natural law in other words.  Barrack may tell us all he’s fixing the economic problems that exist, but in reality he’s holding everything together so that society doesn’t fall apart completely.  It’s a remedy – not a cure.  But I don’t think he realises that.

Anyway I’m mighty inspired by looking at things this way as they seem to resonate.

Looking at what’s going on in the world, it’s clear that everyone has their own agenda, their own reason for being.  The people who are famous are famous for a reason – because they strive to create success for themselves.  The beautiful girl on the front of the yoga magazine not far from me showing off her legs and bare feet and looking all sparkly eyed and whole has the agenda to promote her yoga, make some cash and get a nice warm feeling from improving people’s lives through teaching them her particular brand of yoga.  And there’s plenty more examples from where they came from.

But these are all just agendas that we’re all engaged in to some degree by our local selves in order to get what we need to survive.  No-one needs a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that they helped someone or needs to be famous or ridiculously succesful (but clearly some folk are) but what everyone is definately looking for is the ability to just be.

Everyone definately is looking for that whether they know it or not.  It’s definately everyone’s reason for being when you strip away all the crap that the local, earth-bound self perpetrates.  Maybe I shouldn’t call it crap, it’s there for a good reason.

So when I look at myself and ask myself the same question, “Just what the hell am I going to do with my life?” and continually receive no clear answer, I guess the reason for that is because I don’t really have much of an agenda to speak of.  I wish to be.  I want to fall in love with creation.  Going to pubs and getting pissed doesn’t really play any role in being or feeling more connected as far as I can see.  I guess I don’t feel the urge to be there because I don’t feel the need to act anything out or work through any crap in particular.

Given that I’m pondering with the idea of life being a state of being first and foremost and us all being involved in creating our lives effortlessly and sharing with each other without feeling any need to try or force anything the need for me to have an agenda kinda disappears and ceases to exist.  The e-book and her regular wings posts regularly say how the world is of a much lower vibration and the reason for me feeling like this is because the world just doesn’t match my vibration.  That feels right, but how long does it need to take for me to find genuine friends who I love and a woman I love?

“Be patient” my inner voice keeps saying… pretty much continuously, these days.  I think I read somewhere (or I may have downloaded it straight out of the ether, I don’t know) that when you are finally prepared to wait for all eternity for something, that’s when you’ll finally be able to receive it completely.  It’s a moment of enlightenment.  Forcing anything or moving any energy for any selfish/intentional reason is a selfish endeavour, really, because it’s just not required.  All that’s needed is your state of being with no agendas whatsoever.

Living in the weel village outside Glasgow where I am has never felt quite right as people never seem to be able to get themselves into a real state of being.  Glasgow’s full of a very sharp, harsh energy.  There’s a LOT of people here acting out all manner of stuff to get themselves to where they need to be and working through it all.  I always got the impression that Glasgow is a city full of people who are proud to be able to do their bit in bringing the vibration of the whole city up just their own wee notch.  It’s a city everyone’s proud to be a part of.  Personally I can’t imagine living anywhere else, but I think that’s only cos I haven’t found anywhere else I could live!

I’m getting outsourced soon and will start working for my new employer very soon indeed.  And once that happens, there is a possibility of me working abroad on projects and stuff for a few months at a time.  Realistically, I’m not sure how much chance there is of this actually happening for me, but I’ll definately be mentioning it to the HR folk when I have a 1-2-1 with them in a few weeks time.  I’m very very keen to do this.  Mainly to get a break from working in the office as it feels like hard work keeping the vibration of the office at a high level and I think I just deserve a break from all that, but also because I want to experience working somewhere else with some new, fresh energy.  Doing the odd sabbatical here and there would suit me down to the ground.  Great that things are changing at work though – there is a good am0unt of positivity in the workplace about it and I genuinely think it’s a great move for everyone involved.  I expect it’ll create a good shift in everyone’s evolution to some extent.  When I throw my awareness into the future to enquire about it, the main feeling I get is “freedom”.  It’ll free everyone.  Wow!

Starting to get tired and running out of things to talk about, other than I’ve been drawn towards the ayahuasca experience again and may do this after my prolotherapy trips to Chicago.  I’ll see how I’m placed once I’ve done my healing.  It’d be great to feel as cleansed and connected to the universe as I felt last time, but I’m not sure if I could deal with the “coming down to Earth” stuff that I experienced last time – I gues it’s a case of developing grace.  But there is the other part of myself that tells me to say yes to everything, so it may well happen. 

OK now I’m off to sleep.

G’night and namaste,

Sirius.

It’s been so long since I’ve been inspired to write anything that sounds inspiring, that I’ve been wondering if there’s any inspiration left within me.

I’d love to write and provide the world with something meaty and substantial which folk can use in whatever way they like, but it’s just not there.

All I seem to be creating these days is more death.  My inability to do yoga has left me feeling constantly foggy-headed, dizzy, unable to concentrate for any length fo time, alone and even morbid at times.  Having to deal with thoughts of death is a new thing for me.  Being a fairly youthful guy up until this point, I guess I thought life could last forever and that getting old wasn’t something I’d ever have to worry about, but it seems that bubble of illusion has been popped.  I now know what it feels like to be old.

When I say “death”, I just mean death in the archetypal sense.  I just don’t feel as alive as I used to and that raises questions of how useful am I to other people and being around people who just think they’re better than me and I’m somehow less than they are has a huge impact aswell.  I’ve said before it’s sad to know that if I need help with anything, then I’m just not going to get it from them.  I can literally be at the brink of tears and they’ll do nothing.  I can be limping around in pain and they’ll do nothing.  I can be under stress and my coworkers will deliberately and knowingly do  absolutely nothing to help me.  It’s a sad thing to know that those closest to me physically will never help me on any occasion because they just see me as unworthy.

I thought for a while that maybe this is a good thing in a way because it teaches me to become self-reliant and independant and strong as an individual.  But that’s the last thing I need!  I’m one of the most individual folks anyone’s ever likely to meet. The last thing i need is to learn how to be independant.  If anything, I need to learn how to trust others.  But I can’t do that when I spend all my time around those kind of people.  No wonder I’ve been feeling homesick recently.  Going back to my hometown could actually be a rejuvenating experience.  But things are different there now and I’d have to go back in time aswell for it to feel the way I’d like it to feel.  I still think I’ll retire there though, when I’m 60-odd.  And I’ll grow potatoes and tomatoes and give them away to neighbours.

If anything, I have been inspired by the teachings of Stuart Wilde recently and the one thing which struck me was what he’s been saying about people feelings of disdain for other human beings.

Being on the receiving end of a lot of disdain, I know what it’s like and why it’s something people should focus on more so that it can be eradicated.  Because if a person believes that their way of being is just better than everyone else or they believe that there’s no-one as good as they are or they just hate humanity and lock themselves up in their ivory towers, how can you possibly convince them that there’s another way of being which not only will benefit them but also everyone else?

The answer is you can’t.  It’s not the nature of the ego to want to destroy itself.  They have to start feeling lonely and vulnerable and then they might think about all that kind of stuff.

Anyway, it’s no way to treat other people and it’s completely unsustainable.

Another thing I’d say about death is I guess I’m just not afraid of it anymore.  I feel like I’ve accepted my dark side a bit more and have even let it have a bit more of a free reign over the past year or so.  And it’s true what they say – you definately reap what you sow.  I haven’t created the most harmonious experiences for myself over the past while, so the same rules of quantum physics still apply whether you acknowledge or deny your dark side.  I think it’s healthier to acknowledge it though.

Because there is a sense of relief that comes from just relaxing and allowing it.  I’d even say it can make you more magnetic and attractive.  If you know where your darkness is, then you know what there is to work on.  But love is always the goal, that’s for sure.  It does piss me off that people pretend they’re perfect or are in denial about so much stuff.  But I probably feel even more beautiful when i feel a bit nervous about things.

Like if I’m talking to a girl I like and she’s reflecting back at me and I flirt with her; to me it feels more natural and authentic to feel just a wee bit coy about it.  There’s some real beauty in that feeling that seems to be lost on huge swathes of people accross the world, or just in Glasgow where I live, at least.

I dunno what the fuck I’m going to do with my life.  I don’t think I can sustainably be an engineer and live on my own.  At some point, something will happen which will mean that I’ll have to move on and do something else.  If I don’t move first, that is.  But I would rather be more in command of my life and be able to have some say in where it’s heading.

I’m beginning to think Ayahuasca is key in that.  A couple of things I saw in this video -

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3952939554477513942&ei=2cgZSpuLG5zq-Qbzhb3kCg&q=stuart+wilde

inspired me.  Can’t remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of, “if you don’t know what to do with your life, clear out all the crap until you have a clean slate to work from.”  I guess that made me realise that my slate is never clean cos it’s covered in all the dirty thoughtforms I inherit from my workplace and the fact that it’s such a thankless job.

I guess drinking ayahuasca on a reasonably regular basis would help me to stay mentally clean.  But realistically, it would serve to push me out of that workplace more quickly, one way or another.  Whether I made the choice to leave or whether that choice was made for me.  Once the saga of my dodgy joints are more or less sorted out (and I don’t believe they will ever be ’sorted out’ as such because they’re definately damaged now as an MRI has proved,  so I will just have to put up with some level or nuisance) I can see myself back in Brazil drinking that plant once again.

There’s a feeling the world has towards this kind of stuff – that it’s like getting involved in some kind of wierd cult or something – that it’s a way of allowing other people to take advantage of you.  And I know people feel this way because that was one particular belief which was purged from me on my first ayahuasc session.

I had visions of people the world over getting involved in wierd substances no-one knows about and basically the whole world being a massive home for druggies.  These were fears that were instilled into me from an early age and I didn’t create them – they came from elsewhere.  But what I learned was that ayahuasca is completely benign and there’s nothing to worry about when you’re having a journey.  There’s nothing cultish about it and it won’t leave you vulnerable to being manipulated by other people.  That’s a belief which only comes from a place of fear.  But you definately do latch onto a common way of being – consciousness!

And there are still masses of people who are afraid of people who are really conscious.  The energy of conscious people is exstremely powerful, but only because that’s the way the universe is and they’re in line with it – which is why it seems like people who are conscious are into some kind of wierd cult.  That’s the reason for it.  But there’s no other way, really, it’s like what’s said in the bible about the devil wanting to seperate from God and do his own thing and the only true way benig through God – this is basically the same thing.  But if the idea of God disturbs you, then just be conscious.  Just love.  God couldn’t give a toss either way anyway!  He’d still love you.

Anyway I think that’s enough for one night.

I hope if you’ve read this far, you become more in line with your true nature, learn to accept all sides of yourself and continue to radiate more and more love into the world.

Love,

Sirius.

A good friend of mine asked me a while back what to do about his depressed girlfriend.  I gave him the best answer I could at the time but I don’t think it quite hit the spot.  Something tells me I’m qualified to make this answer now though, and here’s my advice for anyone who’s interested.

• First of all – don’t feel as though you have to take responsibility for them.  It’s true that people who get depressed get into that state because they’ve stopped putting any awareness into a big chunk of their lives and that chunk is now growing and growing in order to be noticed by them, so people who are depressed can find it hard to handle themselves.  But even though this is the case, it is still their responsibility to look after their emotional welfare and you can actually do more harm than good by making decisions for them or judging whatever decisions they’ve made in any way.  So give them the opportunity to build the strength they need by themselves.

• But this does not mean to say that you have to abandon them!  Quite the opposite!  Most folk forget this and get the balance wrong.  The vast majority of folk don’t know how to deal with a depressed person and end up disconnecting from them.  Which will make things worse for the depressed person.  By just being around a depressed person and being aware of their pain without even bringing the subject up, you’re actually doing them a world of good.  Because it’s their lack of awareness of their issues (whether it’s their fault or not – these things arise out of an infinite variety of events) which gave rise to their feelings of depression in the first place.  So when you introduce them with some of your own awareness, it’s like a breath of fresh air.  Be warned though, that this may produce an upsurge of emotions within the person and how they react to that could be another kettle of fish altogether – perhaps they don’t like crying in public?  That’s for you to be aware of at the time.

• As for communicating with the person – you don’t actually have to bring up the subject of them being depressed and it probably wouldn’t do anyone any good anyway.  But when you’re communicating with the person, you’re still communicating with a person – a human being.  Someone who exists and has feelings.  Just treat them as such.  But the main thing is to be aware of their feelings and be sensitive and react accordingly.  As long as you’re sensitive to the way they feel, you can’t go far wrong and they will be grateful for it.

So you’re not responsible for them – you’re responsible to them.  Ie, their emotional welfare is not your responsibility however, the way you react to them and deal with them is your responsibility.  Which should feel like a weight off the shoulders of anyone who’s friends are depressed.

But yes, like everything else, this is a skill and it can be practiced and honed and you probably won’t get it right the first time.  Which is ok.  Just come back to the things I said before and you’ll be fine.

And remember – don’t abandon them.

Night,

Sirius.

In other news, there does seem to be a strong energy around at the moment of people coming to reality and realising things… Like, people finally facing whatever it is they’ve been avoiding.  Stuff like that.

I think there’s a lot more depression around at the moment which has been kicked up with the recession and the realisation that as a species, we can’t live beyond our means any longer.  I still think that renewable energy is the main thing that’ll signal the real recovery from it all and it will take years to happen.

It’s strange that people still believe there’s “green shoots” in the economy and that we’re starting to recover.  It’s total bollocks!  Interest rates are still at an all time low, the banks are still in debt and our countries are ridiculously in debt too.  In order for a recovery to begin, ALL of these will have to be reversed.  And that WILL take years.

We’ll have higher taxes in the next few years in order to pay off all the debt and higher interest rates to get people saving as much as possible and so that banks can earn as much as possible off the mortgages they’ll be selling when the housing market recovers.

The real question is – when will the bottoming out happen?  My guess would be that the bottom will happen when Gold reaches it’s peak.  And we are a long way off from there yet.

From then on, we’ll start heavily investing in renewable energy sources.  This recession will have scared the pants of a lot of people around the world and it’s almost a case of survival of the fittest.  Things will be difficult emotionally and mentally for the majority of folk.  The main thing is to remain conscious and in the present moment.  Remain wherever feels right for you and don’t waste your energy on useless pursuits.  Apart from the fact that they could cost you money you could better spend elsewhere, they’ll use up a far more precious commodity – your consciousness.   Use that to keep in line with your highest self and you can’t go far wrong.  So, I’ll certainly be investing in these energy source when the time comes.

People talk about the velocity of money – basically how quickly money moves around – how much people earn and spend and how quickly they do so.  And apparently right now, the velocity of money has slowed down because banks are hoarding and don’t want to lend and people are saving and not spending.  Well, I think that conscious evolution itself is going to go through it’s own change in velocity coupled with the time when we change to renewable energy sources as the main source of energy.

What with all the change going on, people are becoming creative.  They’re learning new skills fo their new job roles, learning how to deal with being unemployed and there being no jobs available to apply for.  This has initiated a huge influx of creative energy which will manifest as the increase in the velocity of conscious evolution at the same time we start making renewable energy our primary energy source.  Because only then will we be truly ready to accept it as the only real method of energy production.  It’ll be a big moment in and of itself, but will only be representative of all the preparation that came before it.

Things’ll be interesting over the next few years…

Cheers!

Ryan.

I’ve a pretty strong feeling that going through this injury is going to change me pretty fundamentally.

I’ve been looking for years of ways to get over myself and just live life and have never quite managed to properly do it, for whatever reason.  Tai Chi and Yoga felt like the way to do it so I pursued them both with a blistering, firey passion and subsequently manifested even less options than I had previously which makes me worried at the level of power I actually have in reality.  Not only can I realise enormous amounts of freedom, I could also choose to manifest a pretty severe curtailing in the number of choices I have, as I have clearly done.

It’s not nice to know that you don’t have any control over the situation you’re in, although it makes complete sense that I of all people would be in this situation.  If having so many choices of what to do with my life was causing me pain, then why not do myself a favour and reduce the number of choices I have by limiting my physical movement, therby making things much easier on myself?

I guess I have manifested this in a way.  But the question I have now is, “Will I ever get a second chance?”  It’s not “What do I actually want to do with myself” because I can’t answer that question right now.  If you don’t know whether you’ll be able to walk anymore than a mile without being in pain in a year’s time, then what’s the point in making big plans you’re only going to get disappointed in the near future?  I need to know exactly what it is I’m able and not able to do, so that I can plan accordingly.

And I’m hell-bent on answering that question right now.

I’m going to have to head down to London to see if I can get a Visa for medical treatment from Dr Hauser in the US.  There’s energy flowing alright, but not in the realms I expected…

But as I say, I guess this is my Dharma.  Having too many choices does tend to leave me feeling like a rabbit stuck in the headlights of an oncoming car.  I just freeze with the inability to choose anything.  My ability to sit on the fence is legendary.  Seriously.

No wonder the idea of living a simple life has felt alluring recently.  I’m kinda looking forward to the day when I can be old and just tend to my garden and trade home-grown fruit and veg with my neighbours and get the grandchildren round so I can sit there and be a wise old man.

Anyway.  Right now, I’m getting everything in place for going to Chicago.  You wouldn’t believe the number of hoops you have to jump through in order to get a Visa to go to the US from the UK.  If you’ve got a biometric passport and are just going there on holiday then you’re alright and you can go under the Visa Waiver Program and can just go straight there.  But if you’re like me and you’re going there for medical treatment, you’ll need :

• A biometric passport
• A diagnosis from a doc in the UK and also an explanation of why you have to go to the US in order to get medical treatment
• Evidence of funding to prove that you can pay for it
• Evidence of “compelling social ties” to people in the US
• A letter from the hospital/doctor in the US saying that they’re willing to treat you
• Details of how much it’ll cost
• A copy of your CV if you work in the science or technology profession (which probably does include me)
• $131 to cover the visa fee
• To go to London to get interviewed at the US consulate in Grosvenor Square
• A completed DS-157 form with your photo stapled/glued to it (which is basically the Visa application form)
• And the confirmation letter of your interview and receipt of payment which both get emailed to you.

I still don’t know if I’ll even get the Visa or not or if the evidence I get will be good enough and would avoid hazarding a guess at all costs (given my current manifesting abilities…) so will happily play the game and wait and see how it all pans out.

And the big question still sits in my head…

Just what the hell am I going to do with my life?  If I did get the prolotherapy from Dr Hauser and it did work, what would I actually do then?

I still don’t know. I guess the question of whether or not it’ll work is still in God’s hands, but I know I’m going to be putting all my energy into becoming as productive as a human being as I possibly can be and trying to get this treatment.  And once I reach that point of knowing one way or the other which way it’s going to go – whether I’ll get better or not, then I’ll start thinking about what I’m going to do with myself seriously.

No half measures here – I’m not taking my focus off this for one minute.  I’ve never been so hellbent on anything in my life.  I’m getting healed dammit.  Even if I have to travel thousands of miles to do it.

Namaste!

Ryan. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about some heavy-ass stuff like what our real purpose is and more specifically, what’s my own real purpose and came across some pretty revealing stuff in a copy of the Bhagavad Gita which I bought off a nice Hari Krishna woman in Edinburgh about this time last year.

What is our purpose?  Apparently this is known as Dharma.  The inherent purpose of any thing is known as it’s Dharma.  So the Dharma of fire is to burn and change things from one state into another, the Dharma of water is to help life to take form and also to quench fire, etc.  So what’s the Dharma of living sentient beings such as ourselves?

Well, apparently it’s to serve.  To be in selfless service to all of existence.  I guess that makes sense, really.

I often try to take a very (very) wide view of things and look at the world as though I wasn’t a part of it and try to figure out what the point of it all actually is.  And looking at it that way, our only real purpose can be to just take care of creation itself.  To just help it to happen.

We’re obviously all powerful beings with the ability to create or destroy on a vast scale (as we’ve seen by the current state of the planet) so it would make complete sense for our purpose in life to be to facilitate acts of creation of any kind whatsoever.

It’s strange – I find myself quite attracted to the ideas in this book, the Bhagavad Gita, but if I’m honest I don’t think I’ll ever become a fully fledged Hari Krishna devotee in this lifetime.

Never say never though.

But I just don’t think it’s in my Dharma!  It all seems bit too cultish and naive for me, so just not quite my cup of tea.  I feel as though my own inner compass direct me well enough to figure out what feels right in life and what doesn’t.  The only problem I have is in getting round to doing whatever it is I need to do – whatever my Dharma is.

Yoga’s certainly in my Dharma.  It was essential to establish a solid personal grounding for myself after I left home and Yoga helped me to do that.  But I’ve learned that there’s only so much grounding you really need and in actuality, grounding is all relative because we’re not the ground per se, nor are we the energy that seems to link us to the ground – we’re just the decision to become grounded or the decision to move energy in a certain direction, etc.  We’re conscious entities.  We’re awareness.  And that’s what’s next for me – doing something with that awareness.

Once I get my dodgy joints sorted out.

More soon,

Ryan.

OK.  Here’s a thing I’ve never really talked about (not sure why but this entry may unravel the reason) but feel the need to talk about right now.  Because it’s keeping me awake.

I was over at my parent’s house today.  I thought since it was Easter and it’s been a while since I was over, I’d make the effort and reconnect.  It was good actually – my mum said she’d make a curry, but it was really me who ended up making it!  We were both ok with that and I ended up creating a totally improvised, fantastic curry which I’m well proud of.  Each plate was totally cleaned off.

But to the point.  My mum asked me when I was over whether my Dad had spoke to me or not.  I was kinda surprised she’d asked the question – usually if she’s angry or concerned about something, I’ll know about it one way or the other (I’ll basically sniff it out of the air – I guess this explains why I’m so psychically tuned in) but on this occasion, she brought the subject up totally out of the blue.

“Well, he did speak to me a wee bit earlier..,” I said.  My mum then explained how when my bro and sister in law were over there recently, my Dad had deliberately made sure he wasn’t in the house, even though he knew they were coming over.

This is difficult to talk about.  Problem is it’s just weird spending a vast amount of your life around a person who doesn’t say a word to you and it certainly explains my own predicament very clearly.

So my mum asked me if he talked to me, I said yes – just a little and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.  I kinda felt the need to continue it further but had no idea where to go from there so ended up leaving it at that.  I never realised how angry I felt, but I do now.

The fact is, my Dad does make a little effort to talk to me – but only to assuage his own inner sense of guilt for not connecting with me in the past – when I was a young impressionable lad who really needed a father.  And now he feels guilty about it, all he can do is say one or two sentences to me to convince himself that he’s righting the situation when in actual fact, all he’s trying to repair is his own inner turmoil.

It makes me fucking angry.  It does!  Really, I think I need to talk to my mum about this.  And my bro actually.  This feels like the reason me and him aren’t as close as you’d imagine.  It’s funny because I do feel the need to speak to him too…  I haven’t felt the need up until today, really.

Problem is anytime I bring this stuff up, it adds to my reputation for wanting to open up cans of worms… I’ve done that kind of thing a lot in the past.  I guess that’s my role – to keep everyone open and conscious and awake and my mum is certainly much more so than she used to be.  My Dad and my bro however are continuing to bury their heads in the sand…

There’s spiritual work to do there, that’s for sure.  There is.  It feels difficult to move on until I come to some kind of conclusion about how to deal with that particular situation.

Realistically though.  I live alone in Glasgow, 30 odd miles away from all 3 of them, so I don’t see them often and when we do see each other, it’s because we’ve made the effort to do so.  So in the meantime, I just have to cram it all into an etherical cardboard box and shove it to the back of my mind.

Talking to my mum about it more would be healthy though.  It does make her angry but I guess it’s my task to let her see it from a higher perspective and work on that.  But I’m not letting my Dad off the hook.  We both may be adults and we both may be involved in this situation (and we both may be responsible for the situation in some way) but that doesn’t negate the fact that the problem originated from my Dad to begin with – NOT me.  As I’ve said, when I was a young lad in need of fatherly direction, my Dad should’ve grabbed the opportunity with both hands and went for it.  I’m angry and deeply disappointed in him that he still chose not to do this and actually chose to be selfish and completely avoid the situation.  His own personal problems which led to him feeling this way are NOT my responsibility and I’ll certainly NOT take responsibility for them.  Yes, I’ll be cordial and open to him when we’re around each other, yes I’ll be polite and I might even be so polite as to not open any particular cans of worms just for my own spiritual entertainment, but I’ll certainly not do HIS job for him, which is to look after his own emotional welfare and HIS relationship with one of his sons.

Strange though.  My Dad’s Dad (who is now in the spiritual plane, doing his thing) seems(ed) to have the same affliction.  I remember distinctly one day I saw him walking along the road as I was coming home from school to have lunch.  He gave me a slightly scared, suspicious look, and carried on.

This same energy exists within me.  The last thing I can afford to allow to happen is for my dad to just somehow make out that it’s actually my fault and that I’m the awkward one and I’m the shy one or whatever…  It ends right here, in my mind – on my yoga mat.  Funny also how my Grandad’s supposedly a “spiritual giant” up there (as described by a psychic I went to see about a year ago) yet also acts like that… anyway, the mechanics of relationships on the spiritual realm isn’t my strong point and in case of confusing myself, I won’t ponder any further. 

Yes there is work to be done.  I do feel as though I’m past the point of just being plain angry about it.  I am.  You learn to deal with certain things and after a while you feel more in control and more centered about everything.  I kinda feel that way about my Dad.  The Lord knows I was angry as hell at him in the past, but once that was off my chest, I just started to deal with it.  If my Dad didn’t want to know me, it wasn’t my problem – I can gain wordly insight from elsewhere, as I have done.

Is it any wonder though, that I look for Gurus everywhere?  People that can show me the way?  The Doc for instacnce?  (www.barefootdoctorglobal.com)  It’s bloody hard work doing all that on your own – cutting your way through life, trying to find your way without anyone to help you out.  Not that I grudge it, as I say I have accepted my situation, but it does anger me when my dad continues to show signs that he still wants to avoid me physically as well as mentally.  Is it any wonder I had dreams of abandonment when I was younger?

Is it any wonder my task in life seems to be to help people and become like a father to other people?  To provide people with a sense of wisdom and clarity on their lives and to help them see why things are the way they are?

I can’t be any other way, really.  Most guys my age are into getting pissed and all the usual, but I really can’t be anyone other than who I am!  I’m a wise dude with plenty of help and advice to offer – it’s my reason for being.  To become who my Dad should’ve been.  So no wonder it derails me whenever he pretends to care or says things to me or does things just to make him feel better.  If I buy into that, then I’ll believe that he’s being a proper Dad and I’ll suddenly have nothing to aim for!

OK, that’s plenty I think for tonight.  The slight excess of energy heading up towards my head is a sign that I’ve analysed and took apart the situation enough and built it in a way that I find much more suitable.  I needed this post.

Thanks for reading,

Love,

Ryan.

Well, I’ve made the decision that seeing as I’m getting absolutely nowhere with a particular musculoskeletal doctor in Scotland, I’m going to take myself over to Chicago for a few treatments in Prolotherapy with one of the best prolo specialists in the world, Dr Ron Hauser.

Dr Hauser was taught by Gustav Hemwall who was considered to be the world’s leading authority on Prolotherapy when he was alive, so when you think about it that way, Dr Hauser’s right at the top of the game!  So, I’m pretty confident he’ll sort out my joint issues once and for all.  Prolotherapy should be mainstream, really.  There’s so many folk who’d benefit from it and could live much better lived just froma bunch of inflammation-creating injections.  It’s just a pity I have to spend an absolute fortune on going to America to get myself healed…  Still, I’ve never shied away from an adventure and this will certainly be one.  Just imagine… It takes between3 and 6 treatments for someone to be completely cured from their chronic pain issues.  That’s 3 to 6  trips to Chicago!  I’m excited about it aswell as disappointed at all the hassle and expense.  But I’m sure it’ll all be worth it.  I’m looking forward to the day I can actually lie on my back without getting sore or walk to work without getting sore hips or do yoga or meditate or do pratyahara or visualise… Or just live, really.  It’s ridiculous how much stuff I’ve just accepted as “normal” and have carried on.  Right now, it’s difficult to bend over and put on a pair of shoes, so that makes me apprehensive about going out.  And it’s just as hard to do anything around the house for fear of doing my joints in…  But all that can end soon.

I was hoping to come here and write a post about the grand scheme of things and reality, etc, but it’s just not where my mind is today.  I officially decided about going to Chicago on Monday when I got a call from my mum asking me how my last appointment went.  I told her I felt no different although there was a guy in Chicago who seemed pretty good, at which point she jus told me to go for it.  I think that’s the kick up the arse I needed really – getting no results from the doc I’m currently seeing was doing my head in majorly at the weekend and I think there’s no price to real, true health so bring it on!

Things are going to be different though, once I’m healed and back up and running again.  Yoga is going to be very different.  Now it’s going to be more a case of working the yoga of feeling at one with society as opposed to just asana practice or pranayama.  I’ll do that obviously, but I’ll just be moving to my end range of motion and staying there, breathing into it and moving on.  The real focus now is just going to be on living life.  Which does make me feel a little apprehensive.

There’s a big blank wall in front of all that stuff at the moment and I have no access to what sort of stuff I’ll encounter once I do start the yoga up again and my visualisation skills are virtually non-existant due to not being able to sit or lie down for any length of time without feeling sore.  So there’s a whole world of stuff to bring up in that regard – a proper pandora’s box.  So I’d love to say I’m planning on this, that and the next thing but in reality all I’m planning at the moment is to heal myself.

I can’t think of much else to say right now, other than it’s Easter and I have 4 days off work in a row – which is good.  I watched the last part of  “The Passion” series the other day and although I’m not a Christian, I felt very very moved indeed.  It was beautiful.  The guy who played Jesus was incredible and he had a genuinely holy look in his eye.  Very awe-inspiring, moving, inspirational and beautiful.  It fills the old heart up, so it does.  I had some great dreams afterwards aswell.

The one thing I’m looking forward to the most when I get healed is just being able to utilise the power of my own intention.  Because when that’s taken away from you (as it has from me (or more to the point, when you take it away from yourself )) it generates a huge desire to get yourself back to 100% capacity again.

But I think it also produces a softer heart and a more compassionate disposition.  I definately feel as though I have more compassion for folk less fortunate than myself.  I don’t think it’s necessary to go through something like I’ve been going through either, in order to get to this space.  People can choose to renounce certain aspects of their life.  But in our world, these things happen at a snails pace.  Perhaps with the global turmoil going on, vast swathes of people the world over will have to deal with having less stuff in their life – less money, less material goods, etc and perhaps from this state of lack, people will learn how to be more compassionate.  It would coincide with the whole 2012 thing.

Anyhoo, that’s enough for the noo.

More soon.

Ryan.

I posted a poem up here a day or two ago and brought it down yesterday.  On reading it again, it actually sounds like one of the best I’ve ever written (if not the best) but I brought it down on the account that more revealing than I’m comfortable with.  I may put it up again at some point or I may not.

I’m inspired yet again by the Taoist idea of investing in loss and the Yogic/Buddhist ideas of non-attachment (which are more or less the same thing).  I’m finding myself a little childishly frustrated that some of the stocks I’ve bought are going down and am cosidering cutting my losses on those and buying into better ones.  I’ve came to realise there’s a definate futility to trading stocks in the hope to beat the market…

There is a book called “Reminiscences of a stock operator” by a guy called Edwin Lefévre who tells a story of a guy called Jesse Livermore who was a famous trader during the 30s.  After becoming an absolute master of trading stocks and earning millions of dollars (which was a lot back then) he ended up broke and committed suicide.

The moral of the book was basically that you may be able to beat one stock or two, but you can never ever beat the stock market!  Ie, you could never ever make a decent living out of it.

What got me though was yet another realisation of the fact that there’s never anything to be gained from spending all your energy on trying to amass wealth.  I was in a betting shop with a few colleagues today (put a wee punt on the grand national for tomorrow) and one of them started playing on a poker machine… He put in a pound and his credit was up at £7.50.  I distinctly told him, “Now, just so you know, you CAN walk away from here at any time you like, you know…”  And in his usual humour another colleague said, “Ah but that’s not how you play it though – it’s no fun that way!  You have to lose all your money!  THEN you walk away!”  And sure enough, that’s exactly what the guy did.

Trading the stock market’s no different.  It’s nothing more than an educated gamble.  Yes you can make money but you could also lose money.

But to me, the only thing which feels right is things which grow in the most natural way.  Things you can actually depend on.

I’ve always been inspired by plants and their ability to grow.  You look at a plant one day and then again the next day and it doesn’t look any different at all.  But it does grow.  Providing it has all the heat, moisture, nutrients and CO2 it needs – it will most definitely grow.  Well apart from it some greenfly infests it or something.

But maybe there’s the moral of it all – there’s no certainty in anything because if there was a plant out there that was completely immune to any disease going, maybe it would end up taking over the world, becoming so strong than it ended up killing all other plant life on the planet?  Does this sound like any particular Earth species you’re aware of?

Perhaps my own current obsession with stock (and money in general) is a microcosm of humanity’s desire to become completely immortal and take over the planet.  It’s not new knowledge that we’re having an adverse effect on the world… None at all.

The only way out is awareness.  Lets say a crop of oranges gets destroyed by some wierd seasonal disease.  You’d think, “ah bugger, where will I get my vitamin C from now??”

Grapes.

Grapes have plenty of vitamin C and more than enough to replace the vitamin C in oranges.  As for the fibre content, you can get the fibre in oranges from elsewhere – bran, oats, vegetables.  So one season with no oranges does not mean the end of the world.  The way out of these situations is the creativity which comes from awareness.  And awareness MUST come first.

Because when there is no awareness, how can there be any creativity?  Why would you create a solution to a problem when you’re not even aware there is a problem in the first place?  I reckon the only real way to make money is to provide solutions to problems people are facing.  REAL problems.  People’s awareness is what’s on sale.  Consciousness is the only commodity.

I guess what I’m trying to do here is to gain a wider perspective on how people earn money and what people’s motivations are, really.  I said that the only way to make money is to provide solutions to problems people are facing…  What if the powers that be continually led us to believe that there are all sorts of threats to our livelihood (yes terrorism, financial meltdown and all that) but that those threats never actually existed in the first place?   Indeed, Mr David Icke.

I’m not here to wax about conspiracy though, I accept that these panics are continually created to keep us all in a state of fear so they can continue leaching off us.  Honestly, when Gordon Brown mentioned how the G20 thing was like the start of a “New World Order” I felt like shouting at him saying, “Aw come on man, you’re making it all too obvious now! How can we be expected to stay ignorant when you’re coming out with stuff like that?!”  What a plonker.  New World Order, my arse.

Sigh.  My point though is that creativity arises from having a problem.  Pretending that there’s a problem does seem to create a lot of solutions to problems.  But pretending there’s a problem hints at a kind of psychological malaise.  And if our entire world economy (which is there for providing solutions to problems, such as the need for food, entertainment, electrical goods so we can interact with the world and know what’s going on, etc) is really a vast system of solutions to problems which aren’t really there – (lets face it, sabre tooth tigers aren’t as much of an issue nowadays) then what really needs to be fixed is our collectively maladjusted psyche!  We badly need to stop feeling so afraid and just enjoy life without becoming entranced by the vast illusion that these guys are constantly creating.  It’s those guys that are fucked up – not us!  They’re fucking OUR shit up!

So, given that the real issue with the world is this collective psychological maladjustment, what’s the creative solution to that particular problem?  (Feel free to reply with comments – it’d be great to get a discussion going – genuine, real creativity for the right reasons is good for the soul.)

Personally though, I probably shouldn’t really be trading stocks.  It does take over your life… I lose track of the number of times I check the share price of the stocks I’ve bought.

The problem I have is when I look at the world, all I see is closed doors, brick walls and people who inwardly desperately want to meaningfully connect with each other but either tell themselves they can’t or won’t because they think they’re better or can’t or won’t for some other reason.  Society looks like a very difficult place to me.  But I guess we all have to start from the beginning.

Here’s my advice to myself and anyone who’s listening :

• Stop trading stocks.   They’re a mug’s game.
• Stop watching/listening to the news.  It’s of no benefit to you and will only serve to bring your vibration down to a level of fear.  There is no need for it.
• If we are to change the way the world sees itself, the best way to do so is to actively visualise a better one.  I came up with a techniques based on the idea of pratyahara (sensory withdrawal) which has already worked wonders for me.  Put a blindfold over your eyes and earplugs in your ears and lie on your bed when it’s dark outside so there’s as little light getting to your eyes as possible.  Make sure it’s quiet too.  Disconnect from your sense and focus on your breathing entirely.  Make it a meditation.  Then start to use your imagination.  Visualise yourself having beautiful interactions with everyone you meet, you loving everyone and everyone getting on well – or whatever resonates for you.  Keep doing this daily as a ritual and watch the world change before your very eyes…
• Once you’ve visualised – act!  Your thoughts, feelings and actions (James Rays 3-for-3 as he calls it) have to all be in harmony for anything to manifest.  So once you’ve thought and visualised – get acting!  Physically do it and see how good it feels.

I think that’s enough of a start to get you thinking of your own ideas.  I used this idea last night to attract a woman and came into close proximity with two lovely girls today.  There wasn’t much I could say to them at the time for various reasons (still need to work on my own acting skills…) but hell, it felt damn good.

OK, that’s enough rambling for one night.  Let’s just all stop listening to all the NWO bullshit and start creating a better world.

Sirius.

At the winter solstice, recently, I got an email from a guy called James Ray.  There was some advice in it on how to generate ideas to improve your general life situation.  He suggested to come up with 20 ideas a day for the next 3 days (up until the solstice)  to grow your income, create new results and improve your life.   I managed 51 altogether which I thought was fairly good.  But what an effect they had on me… 

I’ve put a fair few of the ideas into action and to be honest have became kinda obsessed with money since then.  I’ve learned a lot though and have never felt so in control of my finances as I do now, so I consider it a good thing.  I knew I was overdoing it though and booked myself onto the sweat lodge to readjust myself and change my priorities.

The time before the sweatlodge was uneventful (from my experience anyway) although we did various things – practicing our singing, having meals together, getting acquainted.  It was the sweatlodge which performed the initial shift I needed.  More on the actual shift shortly…

The sweatlodge itself was as mentally tough as I thought it’d be.  Although I actually thought it’d be hotter, the heat wasn’t that much of an issue.  What the heat does is loosen you up and feel what’s really going on within you.  It connects you to the elements in a really direct way and helps to soften your energy.   Somehow though, in hindsight, after the lodge took place and we all counted our blessings, gave prayers for other people in our lives and asked for what we wanted for ourselves, I still felt like I had something missing.

And this was confirmed later on.  I was in bed trying to get to sleep and got some really clear visions.  It was like the visions were making the effort to come to me – as opposed to the other way round.  I saw an image of a cabin on top of a hill (not unlike the cabins we were staying in) with a wooden platform of sorts to stand on and some really dark looking, ominous black clouds in the distance.  I had no idea what it meant but it just felt ominous, really.

I dreamt that night that I had gone home (back to my hometown) and was sitting in the house doing nothing productive.  I felt very very disappointed in myself in this dream.  I mentally noted the dream when I awoke but had no idea what it meant at this time.  We were told the day before that we’d do a shorter lodge on the day after and I was still unsure about whether I wanted to do it or not.  But my feelings became crystalised later. 

I took part in the ceremony to light the fire and prayed to the directions.  When the singing started, it completely turned me off.  I just felt like, “Come on folks, give it a rest…”  We were told we’d have 45 minuted to decide for sure whether we wanted to do it or not, so I went back to my little room in the cabin and thought about it.  Definately no.

There was an important thing going on here though.  It wasn’t just a simple choice.  It felt like a lot more than that.  When you do a sweatlodge, you have to do it wholeheartedly.  Because it’d basically an intense prayer ceremony.  Prayer is at the heart of it.  So it was important for me to make the right decision.  Myself and another participant had decided against it.

Later we both were sitting in the pavillion doing nothing and it all came into place.  I had a brief conversation with her about why she didn’t want to do it, etc and everything made sense.  I’d already made my prayers and had the experience I wanted to have.  I went to the sweatlodge specifically to have that experience; I had it, and it was over for me at that point.  But the crux was to follow my own instinct.

The dream I had was telling me to stop running away from how I really feel.  I felt disappointment because I was still holding onto all the armoury around my heart at the time and indeed felt like there was a wall around it during the lodge, but it didn’t feel right to let it budge.  I see the lodge as an intense microcosm of the life experience and since I already felt strong enough to dismantle my heart armoury myself – why bother getting all deliberately vulnerable and acting as though I was broken somehow?  I’ve became a hell of a mentally strong guy and somehow acting as though I still had stuff to let go of didn’t really wash.  Because I don’t.  My heart will open when i learn the skills to connect with more people and love more.  I didn’t have anything to let go of, but did have to learn some new skills.

Anyhoow.  Once I realised that, everything came into place.  Sitting in that pavillion was exquisitely serene.  Just silence.  And real solitude.  Comfortable solitude.

I still feel as though things are tough though – it’s like I’m chasing after something which is very sacred in a completely non-sacred world.  At the lodge, I re-realised what’s important to me and it’s love.  However, I haven’t been able to find it in the week off work I’ve just had.  I know it’ll take a certain amount of time, but it still haunts my dreams and dulls my spirit when the love just isn’t there.

Moving on for me is the only thing I can do yet it also feels like the greatest leap of faith I’ve ever taken.  Imagine being on the edge of a cliff where on the cliff-top there’s nothing but a barren wasteland and the only way to go is accross a dangerous drawbridge to another cliff with abundance everywhere.  That’s where I am.

The only way out is through though and I’ll just have to continue plugging away and re-learn all the stuff that came naturally to me as a child.  How to love.

Namaste,

Sirius.